Four to Get Married

We're reading today from Ephesians chapter 5 and I'm going to begin back with verse 18 and read through the end of the chapter. In the past several years more books have been published on marriage than perhaps on many other subjects and yet here in a few brief sentences God tells us the secret of a happy home. Ephesians 5 18 and be not drunk with wine in which is excess but be filled with the Spirit speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord for the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church and he is the Savior of the body therefore as the church is subject unto Christ so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word that he might present it to himself a glorious church not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies he that loveth his wife loveth himself for no man ever yet hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it even as the Lord the church for we are members of his body of his flesh and of his bones for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife and they too shall be one flesh this is a great mystery but I speak concerning Christ and the church nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself and the wife see that she reverence her husband and may the Holy Spirit help us to obey this word.

A skeptic who must have had his heart broken at some time or another defined a wedding as a funeral where you smell your own flowers. Now the millions of people who are happily married would chuckle at that but not agree with it but then some who have had difficulty might say yes he has hit the nail on the head. It's unfortunate that our United States of America a so-called Christian nation leads the world in the number of divorces annually.

Down in the Chicago Civic Center 14 courts on a busy day will handle 200 divorce cases. I'm glad that the Word of God has a message for everyone when it comes to this matter of marriage. Whether you are single and contemplating marriage or single and not interested in marriage, whether you have been disappointed in marriage or delighted in marriage, each of us comes in contact with this gift of God at some point or another.

If it's not our own home it's somebody else's, a friend or a relative and we're privileged here at the Moody Church to minister to hundreds and hundreds of single young adults and so it's good for us to come to Ephesians chapter 5 verse 18 and discuss this matter of Christian marriage. Those of you who have never had the traumatic experience of a marital breakup need to have compassion and tenderness for those who have. Our Lord does and we should.

Now Paul tells us that God wants us to be happily married. After all, God invented marriage and he wants his invention to work. God has more at stake perhaps than we do.

When God devised marriage it was for, as the ceremony tells us, the blessing and benefit of mankind. The one thing that was not good in creation was it is not good for the man to be alone. God looked upon his world and said everything is very good but one thing is not good, this man is alone and so he gave him a wife and God established marriage for the blessing and the benefit of mankind.

Unfortunately some marriages have not been a blessing, they've been a cursing, they have not brought benefit, they have brought burdens. No matter where you may be in this marital program I trust you'll heed what Paul says here. To put it very simply Paul says for a marriage to be happy and rewarding and creative four persons must be involved.

You say but pastor it just takes two to get married. Yes, a single daughter and an anxious mother. No, it takes four to get married and Paul tells us who these four persons are.

The Lord Jesus Christ, the loving husband, the submissive wife, and the empowering Holy Spirit. These are the four persons who must be involved in every marriage if it's going to be happy. The first person is our Lord Jesus Christ.

You noticed as I was reading Ephesians chapter 5 how often the Lord is mentioned. Verse 22, as unto the Lord. Verse 23, even as Christ.

Verse 24, as the church is subject to Christ. Verse 25, as Christ loved the church. Verse 26, that he might sanctify.

Verse 27, that he might present. Verse 29, even as the Lord the church. The whole emphasis here you see is on Jesus Christ.

In fact verse 32 puts it very plainly. This is a great mystery, meaning a secret, a spiritual secret. But I speak concerning Christ and the church.

If you start your marriage without the Lord Jesus Christ, you don't have much of a chance for success. Now Paul tells us that Jesus Christ blesses our homes in three ways. First, he is the Savior.

Verse 23, he's the Savior of the body. Secondly, he is the Lord. Verse 22, as unto the Lord.

Verse 25, he is the example as Christ also loved the church. So when you move into marriage, the first person who must be involved is Jesus Christ as the Savior, the Lord, and the example. Let's begin with the Savior.

There are multitudes of unsaved people who have very happy homes. They would have much happier homes, I think, if they had the Lord Jesus there. But some of these unsaved friends put Christian people to shame.

They don't argue, they don't fight. Their home is not an armed camp where they have dug foxholes and erected barricades. Their homes are happy, loving, even without the Lord Jesus.

And you would think that those of us who know Christ as our Savior would have homes that would be even more happy and more wonderful. You see, marriage begins with Jesus Christ as the Savior. That means you don't marry somebody who's not a Christian.

Now I've heard all of the arguments, but I still have to stay true to the Word of God that says, be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers. It's a difficult thing for a pastor to say to a couple that loves each other, look, I'm sorry, you really shouldn't get married because one of you is not a Christian. And you say at this point, but pastor, these are modern days.

Yes, and modern days have old-fashioned sins. Christian girls marry a Christian boy, and Christian boys marry a Christian girl. Your wedding begins with Jesus as the Savior.

In John chapter 2, our Lord performed his first miracle at a wedding. Somebody was smart enough to invite Jesus to that wedding, and he made all the difference between success and failure. Jesus Christ comes not only as the Savior, but he comes as the Lord.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord. He wants to be the Lord of the home. This means you shouldn't get married unless you're willing to submit to what the Bible has to say.

The Lordship of Jesus Christ just simply means you speak God, and we obey. He is the Lord. Now, I visit bookstores regularly.

I read many magazines that review books. We have had a regular epidemic of books on marriage. The basic problem in the Christian home is the Lordship of Jesus Christ.

If you have a husband who's not submitted to the Lordship of Christ, and a wife who is, you're going to have trouble. If I put my two hands together, and if I move them in opposite directions, if one goes forward and one goes backward, we have friction. And friction means two people aren't going in the same direction.

And I don't know how many times in the counseling ministry husbands have had to confess, well, Pastor, Jesus is not the Lord of my home. He's not the Lord of my life. Don't get married unless you want the Lordship of Jesus Christ.

He is the Savior, and he is the Lord, and he is the example. In verse 25, even as Christ also loved the church. I don't know where you get your example for marriage.

If you get it from Hollywood instead of from heaven, you're in for trouble. If you get it from television instead of from Revelation, you're in trouble. Jesus Christ is the example.

So that as a husband, I should look to Christ as my example. A wife should look to Christ as her example. And we as parents should show to our children that Jesus is the example.

Now, how does a home stay in touch with the example of Jesus Christ and the Lordship of Jesus Christ through the Word of God and prayer? It's amazing how many husbands and wives don't pray together. So many times when they come in with a problem, you'll say, well, tell me now, do you two pray together? No. Did you pray together when you were dating? No.

No. After you got engaged, did you pray? No. Well, how do you invite the Lordship of Jesus Christ into your marriage if you don't pray together, if you don't spend time in the Word together? The first person necessary for a happy home is the Lord Jesus Christ.

Now, having said that, let me say this. Just because two people are saved doesn't mean their home is going to be successful. It takes more than that.

You say, Pastor, you're a heretic. Then I'm an honest heretic. You'd be amazed at the mortality rate of marriages among students who meet at Christian schools.

It's unfortunate, and I'm sorry about it. It takes more than two people being saved to have a happy marriage. Just because a fellow is saved and a girl is saved and neither one of them is married doesn't mean they should get married.

God doesn't want everybody to get married. Jesus said so. He said there are some people who from birth are not supposed to get married.

There are some who, because of circumstances, aren't supposed to be married. There are some who have deliberately said, like Paul, I will remain single for the work of the Lord. Not everyone's supposed to be married.

I know the first three letters in single are S-I-N, but that doesn't mean it's a sin to be single. I would rather have you living in single loneliness in the will of God than married cussedness out of the will of God. The second person involved is a loving husband.

Husbands, love your wives. Now he tells us what kind of love this is, and I want you men to know that this is one of the greatest demands that can be made upon you. Don't take this matter of love for granted.

Paul tells us there are four characteristics of a spiritual husband's love for his wife. Number one, it is a separated love. He tells us in verse 31, for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and that verb joined in the Greek is glued.

He shall be glued to his wife, which means, my friend, you're stuck. You see, marriage involves leaving and cleaving. Now Adam didn't have any mother and father to leave, nor did Eve, but Adam said this prophetically.

He says, from now on, when God brings a man and woman together, he leaves his father and mother, he cleaves to his wife, they make a covenant together, which is called marriage. Nowhere in the Bible do you find marriage apart from a covenant. There is an agreement.

I was driving into church the other day and heard a radio program. I phoned the station to get a tape or a copy of the script, and so far haven't gotten it, but I thought I heard a man over the radio advocating trial marriages. You know, here are these two people, and they think they want to get married, so let's live together for a while to see whether or not it's going to work, and if it doesn't work, we can break up.

I'll guarantee it won't work, because there has to be commitment. When a person joins his life with another person, he makes a commitment. He leaves father and mother.

He leaves them physically. He leaves them financially. He leaves them emotionally.

He still loves them. After all, he'll need them for babysitters. Now let me say a word to you young ladies.

Don't you marry some fellow who's not emotionally mature enough to leave home, and I say to you girls and to you fellas, don't you marry some girl who's not emotionally mature enough to leave home. Nothing can cause more trouble in a home than being married to three people at one time, and so it is a separated love. You come to the point where you say we are going to devote ourselves to each other.

We're going to build a fence around ourselves, and in building a fence around ourselves, we're not building a prison. We are protecting this love that God's given to us. It's a separated love.

I notice in verse 25 it's a sacrificial love. Husbands love your wives. How much? Even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it.

Girls, don't you marry a fellow who doesn't love you enough to give himself for you. You don't measure love except by Calvary, and when I can look up to God, which I cannot do yet, I'm afraid to say, you know, I love as much as Jesus loved me. I've got a long way to go yet, but this is the measure.

It has to be a sacrificial love. It means an attitude of service, an attitude of giving. It means that when a man says to a woman, I love you, he's going to work for her.

He's going to protect her. He's going to, if necessary, die for her. And by the way, no woman has a hard time submitting to that kind of love, all the feminists notwithstanding.

And so it's a separated love, and it's a sacrificial love. I notice in verses 26 and 27, it's a sanctifying love. Because a Christian man loves a Christian woman, she becomes a better Christian because of him.

What does the Lord do for the church? He washes the church. He cleanses the church. He does it through the Word.

This is why you don't want to marry an unsaved fellow. He can't take the Word of God and nourish the family. He can't apply the truths of the Word of God in the home, because he doesn't know the Word of God.

He doesn't know the God of the Word. The love that God wants a husband to have for a wife, it's a sanctifying love. Now, I say this cautiously, but in this pulpit and anywhere else I have to be honest.

It's unfortunate that some Christian husbands are destroying their wives. There isn't that sacrificial love that says, I will give to you. They are saying, you do this or else.

There isn't that tender ministry of the Word of God where two people can pray together. It's unfortunate. And you know what happens? Children grow up in those homes, and when they get old enough, they turn their backs on the Lord.

And then someone says, the church has failed! The church has failed! During my years in Youth for Christ, I got so tired of hearing, the church has failed! The church is made up of people, and people are in families. Now, if the church has failed, I'd like to know who has succeeded, because we have a lot of young people around here who really love the Lord. Who has succeeded? Some of our Christian homes where there is a father who doesn't have sacrificial, sanctifying love, are driving our children away from God.

I notice also in verses 28 through 30, it's a satisfying love. His love for her is nourishment. Notice verse 29, no man ever yet hated his own flesh.

He nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church. The love that a man has for a woman should be a nourishing love. Hear me, love is the emotional and spiritual food for the family.

Simply because we put food on the table doesn't mean we've done our job, man. There ought to be such an atmosphere in our homes that our children become themselves, and they grow up, and they're nourished on love. I like that word, cherished.

That's a beautiful little word. You know what that little word cherish means? It means to soften by heat. That's the home.

Is there some hardness in the home? You soften it by heat. You remember the story about the man who was wearing the heavy cloak, and the wind and the Sun had an argument, and the wind said, watch me, I'll make him take off that cloak. And the wind began to blow, and the more the wind blew, the more the man put the cloak around his neck.

The Sun said, watch me. And the Sun just began to beat down upon that man, and the warmth made him take the cloak off. This is the kind of love I'm supposed to have in my home.

A satisfying love, so that the wife and the children are nourished and cherished. And so the seed that's planted, the warmth brings out the fruit. A satisfying love.

I'll tell you a secret. When a woman is satisfied with that kind of love, she doesn't want anybody else. When a man is nourished with that kind of love, he doesn't want anybody else.

When children detect this kind of love, they want to be home. They want to bring their friends home. And so the second person who is essential for a happy marriage is a loving husband.

And I'll tell you, man, this is a big order. You singles who are here today, if you're a single man, don't you marry a girl until you can give that kind of love. Separated love, and sacrificial love, and sanctifying love, and satisfying love.

And girls, don't you marry a fellow until you know he can do that. Which leads to the third person involved in a happy marriage, that's a submissive wife. Verses 22 through 24, and then verse 33.

This word submission is not like today. We live in an era of rebellion. We live at a time when the in thing is to be a rebel, to listen to a different drummer, to do your own thing.

Well, I'm glad my body doesn't function like that. I'm glad my body experiences submission. My head controls my body.

And Paul is saying to the women here, now look, you have a husband who loves you. It's a separated love, and it's a sanctifying love, and it's a satisfying love, and it's a sacrificial love. Submit to him.

Now, submission does not mean subjugation. Where did people ever get the idea that order means inferiority? It doesn't. There is no inferiority to order.

I was not in the armed forces. My brothers were in the Marine Corps. Because a man is a buck private and not a general, is he inferior to the general? No, no.

As a person, he may be superior to the general. There has to be order in this world. If there isn't order, there's chaos.

And my Bible says God is not the author of confusion. Then where's all this confusion coming from we've got in the world today, where the schools are run by the children instead of by the instructors? Where's all this confusion coming from? It's coming from rebellion against the order of God. You see, God has made a certain headship in this world.

He says to the women, wives, don't submit to every man. He's not saying that at all. He's not saying, now wives, you can't be the president of the firm because you're a woman.

No, there's no such thing as inferiority or subjugation or slavery. All he's simply saying is there are two reasons why the wife is to be submissive to her husband. Number one, the lordship of Christ, and number two, the headship of the man.

Verse 22, the lordship of Christ. Submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord. Now get this, if the husband is submitted to the Lord, and if the wife is submitted to the Lord, and as it says in verse 21, submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God, there cannot be any conflict.

But if you've got a husband who is a dictator, who doesn't know the difference between headship and dictatorship, or if you have a wife who has just been hurt so much she's tired of being hurt, and so she stands up to fight, then you've got trouble. But in this atmosphere of love, under the lordship of Jesus Christ, I can't conceive of a Christian woman wanting to do anything other than to say to the Lord, as Mary did, behold the handmaid of the Lord, be it unto me according to your word. Lord, run my life, and saying to her husband, I love you and you love me, and we're going to submit to God, and I submit to you.

Now girls, if you're unwilling to submit, don't get married. Just don't get married. And if that man you're engaged to doesn't have the kind of spiritual maturity and Christian love that makes it safe for you to submit, don't get married.

Get the problem settled before you walk down the aisle. You see, he's talking here about maturity. It's a serious thing for someone to submit to me.

That is serious. I had better be the kind of a person so that when she does submit, this releases her. It doesn't enslave her.

Submission does not mean bondage. It means liberty. The wife is fulfilling her ministry.

The husband is fulfilling his ministry. There is an atmosphere of love, and both grow. You don't find this in many homes.

I can't prove this statistically, but 25 years of ministry convinces me that 40 or 50 percent of our Christian homes, they already have emotional divorces, if not legal ones. They're just staying together long enough until the kids grow up. When the kids graduate, that's it.

Or they just stay together long enough for testimony's sake. But they aren't enjoying their marriage, they're enduring it. And so if a marriage is to be the creative experience it ought to be, there has to be first the Lord Jesus Christ.

Secondly, a loving husband. Thirdly, a submissive wife on the Lordship of Christ and the headship of the man. Now I didn't write verse 23, God did.

The husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and he's the Savior of the body. Just as the Lord Jesus, as the head of the church, ministers to the body, and the body submits, he says this down here, as the church is submissive to Christ, verse 24, as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Now everything obviously doesn't mean anything outside God's will.

If a husband asked a wife to commit murder, she shouldn't submit. We ought to obey God rather than men. If a husband says to his wife, we're gonna go out and do some swapping, she won't submit.

No Christian ought ever to violate his conscience and the Word of God. But you can't conceive of a Christian husband asking a wife to do anything out of the will of God. And so submission is simply to the Lordship of Christ and the headship of the man.

Somebody has to be the leader, and God has ordained that the man should be the leader in the home, not the dictator. God has given to Christian husbands authority. They are to use that authority to build up the home.

They do not use the home to build up their authority. Any husband who uses his wife to show people what a boss he is has forfeited his rights as a Christian husband. No man ever uses a woman or children to show how big he is.

That's immaturity. And so a submissive wife—and girls, I say this to you—when you submit to this kind of a husband and to this kind of a Lord, it brings out the best in you. There is fulfillment and enrichment and growth and excitement, problems, yes, but oh, in the midst of all of this there is the accomplishing of the will of God.

And the closest thing to heaven on earth is this kind of a Christian home. Now at this point I am saying to myself and to the Lord, this is a pretty tough assignment, I'm to love as Christ loved the Church. And the woman says I'm to submit as the Church is submissive to Christ.

Well, this brings the fourth person into the picture, the Holy Spirit. You see, all of these exhortations are hinged on verse 18, be filled with the Spirit. And if you're filled with the Holy Spirit, as we saw a week ago, you will know it because there are three evidences.

Verse 19, you'll be joyful. Verse 20, you'll be thankful. Verse 21, you'll be submissive.

Wives, submit. Husbands, love. Children, obey.

You see how it all hangs together. The missing person in most Christian homes is the Holy Spirit. Now there's a spirit in Christian homes, but it's not the Holy Spirit, it's a worldly spirit.

This is why you've got to be so careful what comes over the radio, what goes in the magazine rack, what comes over the TV screen, what goes on the library shelf. We've got to be so careful about these things. Don't invite the Spirit of the world into your home because the Spirit of the world will destroy.

Invite the Spirit of Christ into the home. Now how do you know whether a home is spirit-filled? Be filled with the Spirit. Well, it'll be a joyful place.

You won't have to go out and buy cheap entertainment. There will be joy in the home. Differences, of course.

Problems, to be sure. But there'll be joy in the home. There'll be thankfulness in the home.

You'll have a husband who's thankful, and he's even thankful for leftovers. Peter Marshall sat down to lunch one day, and Catherine had prepared some leftovers, and he looked at them and said, Catherine, the Lord knows I'm not thankful for this. You say the blessing.

You see, a woman who lives with a griping man, always griping, or griping children, always complaining. But when the Holy Spirit is filling the home, you're joyful, and you're thankful, and you're submissive. And nobody says, what's not my job? Well, let him do that.

No, you wake up in the morning, and you say, what can I do to make this home a happy home? How can I make my wife happy? How can I make my husband happy? How can we make our parents happy? How can we make the Lord happy? You see, the Holy Spirit is the missing person in many Christian homes. I visit in homes, and some homes you walk in, and the atmosphere is just supercharged with the Holy Spirit. It's a joyful home, and it's a thankful home, and oh, there's a sweetness and a lubrication.

There are some homes you get into, and you feel like going out and getting a bulletproof vest. I'm sorry, and they're Christian homes. And so I say this to you, and I say this to myself, as a father and as a husband, I preach to myself today.

There are four essential persons in a happy Christian home. The Lord Jesus Christ. He's the Savior, He's the Lord, and He's the example.

Now, don't start your marriage without Him. A loving husband. Not just romance, not just infatuation, a loving husband.

A Christian husband. A submissive wife. Not slavery, not subjugation, not incarceration, but sweet, precious submission to the Lord and to the husband.

And the Holy Spirit of God empowering us. You see, if we don't begin our day with the Lord and let the Holy Spirit take over, things won't go right in the home. Husband, Christian husband, if you're not spending time every day reading your Bible and praying, you are in the process of wrecking your home.

Oh, you see, it can't happen to me. It's happened to other people. Christian wife, if you're too busy to spend time in this book and spend time to pray, and husband and wife, if at some time you don't pray together, the Holy Spirit can't work in the home.

And Christian children, if you're not having your devotional time, if you're not spending time in your home reading the Word of God and praying, you're a part of the problem, not a part of the answer. But the Holy Spirit waits to move in. The Holy Spirit wants to make our home a temple, a tabernacle.

He wants to bring the glory of God into the home. So when people come in, they say, you know, I enjoy being, it's a great place to be. What have you folks got? It's not the furniture.

That's early salvation army. It can't be the furniture. What is it? Oh, we've got the Lord in our home.

When we got married, we invited Jesus to our home. You know what happened? We handed him a bunch of empty pots full of water, and he turned that water into wine, and that was the beginning of miracles, and it's been one miracle after another ever since. That's the kind of home you want.

That's the kind of home we can have if we let the Holy Spirit have his way. Now some of you don't even know Jesus as your Savior. Paul said, I'm talking about the mystery of Christ in the church.

Jesus came down here and died for his bride. Oh, he came and bore upon his body all of the filth of the world that he might claim his bride, but you've never trusted Christ, and you could trust him. You could receive him today and let him move into your life, and then let him change your heart and change your home and make it all that he wants it to be.

Let's pray together. We're thankful, Father, that you have told us here how we can make our homes temples of God, where there's joy and testimony and liberty and growth and maturity. Oh, how thankful we are for all of this, Lord.

We need the Holy Spirit. We pray that the Holy Spirit of God will help us to love as we ought to love and submit as we ought to submit and to obey and work together as we ought to. I pray for any who are having difficulties, Lord, that you'll help them to do what you've told them to do.

Cleanse our homes. Take from us all bitterness and wrath and all the things that can grieve the Spirit of God. Oh, God, purify our hearts and our homes that our children, as they grow up, may glorify Christ and be used for his praise and his honor.

We ask it in Jesus' name. Amen.