Ephesians - Marriage and the Home - Part 2 - Ephesians 5:15-33

It takes sacrifice to be a husband, takes sacrifice to be a wife. Let's recognize this, a sacrificial love. Let's give ourselves in the marriage and in the home.

Now let’s join as we pray together. Father, as we study the Word, we realize that there are obligations that we have. Help us to accept them, to rejoice in them, and to realize that in fulfilling our obligations, we are finding our opportunities. You have so much more for us if only we will trust and obey. And so I pray, help us as we study the Word now and apply it to our hearts and to our homes. I pray in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

In Ephesians 5:15, Paul is outlining the essentials for a happy Christian home. Now you’d think if a home were Christian it would automatically be happy—well, we have our stresses and strains, our problems and our needs. First of all, we have to have the will of God, Ephesians 5:15-17. Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. Not everybody's supposed to get married; Jesus made that very clear in Matthew 19:11-12. He’d been teaching about marriage and He says there are some people who are born not to get married, and there are some people who have been brought to this situation by men, and there are others who for the kingdom of God's sake have elected not to marry. We should not think that single people are freaks—strange people. God has a different plan for each life, and we must know the will of God. Get married in the will of God, and then as you are married, obey the will of God.

Secondly, the Spirit of God, Ephesians 5:18-21. Be filled with the Spirit. A home is not built on money, a home is not built on material things, a home is not built on physical enjoyments—good to have all these things—but it's also important to have the fullness of the Holy Spirit of God. He is the one who makes the difference. It's good to have the things that money can buy if you don't lose the things that money can't buy. And the Holy Spirit of God is God's gift to us. And when you're filled with the Holy Spirit you are joyful, Ephesians 5:19; thankful, Ephesians 5:20; submissive, Ephesians 5:21.

Now this fullness of the Spirit reveals itself as the wives submit, Ephesians 5:22-24; the husbands love, Ephesians 5:25-33; the children obey, Ephesians 6:1-4. There it is. Here we have a threefold responsibility that flows out of this fullness of the Holy Spirit of God. Wives submit. Now we have seen that the word submit is not subject yourself; it's not slavery, oh no, it's freedom. The word submit is a military term that means to line up in order by rank. There has to be order in every part of society. Without order, we have chaos. The mayor in your town may not be the greatest person in the world, but he's the mayor. Somebody has to be the leader. Some of the councilmen, your senators or your representatives, whatever, they may not be people you personally like, but they are in office and they have leadership, they have authority. And so we are acknowledging God's order when we submit.

Now you'll notice that this submitting is to one another and to the Lord before he says wives submit to your own husbands in Ephesians 5:21, submitting to one another in the fear of God. So the wife submits in love. I should think that a Christian wife would have no problem submitting to a husband who seeks the will of God and who is filled with the Spirit of God. And thirdly, who shows the love of God. The admonition three times to the husbands, Ephesians 5:25, husbands love your wives. Ephesians 5:28, so husbands ought to love their own wives. Ephesians 5:33, nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife. So three times he says to these Christian husbands: love your wives, love your wives, love your wives.

Now this admonition has to do with the kind of love that God has for us. In the Greek language, there are four different words for love. There is erotic love; that word is never used in the New Testament. There is family love, storge. There is friendship love, phileo. And there is God's sacrificial love, agape. And that's the word that's used here. Now the love he's talking about is the kind of love that Christians ought to have for the Lord and for one another. When we experience and share the love of God in our homes, then we will fulfill our God-given responsibilities. He’s not laying down a bunch of laws, he’s not giving us a list of rules—don't do this, don't do that—all Paul says is, look, build your home on the love of God. And when you do that, it takes care of all the other problems and rules and regulations. Love is what God is commanding.

Remember, Christian love is not primarily a feeling. Yes, feelings are involved, we realize that. Christian love is primarily an act of the will. We will to treat people a certain way. I like to summarize it like this: Christian love means I treat you the way God treats me. That's Christian love. Christian love means by an act of the will I am going to do the very best for you, even if it means I have to sacrifice.

Now the amazing thing is, the more you practice this, the more the feelings come along. The more you say "I am going to do this because Jesus wants me to do it," the more the Holy Spirit of God fills your heart with that kind of love. The fruit of the Spirit is love. The love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit of God who's been given to us—Romans 5 tells us that. Therefore, when a husband is filled with the Holy Spirit of God, he is going to love.

Now there are two comparisons made here. Love as Christ loved the church, Ephesians 5:25. Then Ephesians 5:28, as their own bodies. That's interesting. Look at these two comparisons. He should love his wife as Christ loves the church. He deals with that in Ephesians 5:25-27, and he picks it up again in Ephesians 5:29. As Christ loved the church. Then he says we should love our wives as our own bodies. It seems like we're coming down from the mountaintop into the valley. Paul was always realistic. Paul realizes that Christian love, though it is generated by the Holy Spirit, has to involve man and woman. And he says to the man, I want you to love your wife as Christ loved the church. Now there's the model to follow. And here's a good motive to follow: when you love your wife, you love yourself because you and your wife are one. The best thing I can do for myself is to love my wife. The best thing my wife can do for herself is to love me and submit. The best thing we both can do is to submit ourselves to the Lord and to one another in an atmosphere of Christian love.

Love as Christ loved the church. Let’s look at that. Ephesians 5:25, husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it. That He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word. That He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. You notice those three "thats" in Ephesians 5:26-27. Husbands, love your wives as Christ also loved the church. Now we cannot begin to practice the kind of love that He practiced. His love is perfect, ours is mingled with selfishness and pride and a lot of other things we don't like to admit. But He is the model for us to follow. What kind of love does God want us to have? I want to suggest to you from this passage that there are four characteristics of the kind of love God wants us to have for our wives.

Number one, it must be a separated love. Look at Ephesians 5:31, for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. Leaving and joining, leaving and cleaving. The word joined is a Greek word that means to be glued. You’re stuck. But you want to be, and you don't want to be unglued because you are in the will of God. Now it must be a separated love. You can't be joined to father and mother and wife at the same time. You can't emotionally be joined to your mother or your grandmother and be joined to your wife at the same time. This doesn't mean we don't love our parents, doesn't mean that we ignore them, it doesn't mean that we are ill-treating them, no. Simply means there has to be a point of separation. You now belong to me, I belong to you, we belong to each other, we are committed. By the way, that's what marriage is—a commitment. People say, well, we're living together so it's as good as marriage. No it isn't. There is a commitment recognized by God and by society. A separated love.

Secondly, a sacrificial love. He gave Himself for the church. That means sacrificial service. Husbands who selfishly exploit their wives are not following the example of Christ. And God forbid that any Christian husband should ever abuse his wife. He has forfeited his headship in the home when he acts like that. A Christian husband should have a sacrificial love. And he should wake up in the morning not saying "well what are they going to do for me," rather "what can I do for them." It takes sacrifice to be a husband, takes sacrifice to be a wife. You think of the sacrifice a wife makes when she becomes a mother, descending into the valley of the shadow of death to bring new life into the world. Let's recognize this—a sacrificial love. Let's give ourselves in the marriage and in the home.

Number one, it must be a separated love. Secondly, a sacrificial love. Thirdly, it should be a sanctifying love. That He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word. Now he's not talking here about baptism. He’s talking about a process that goes on. God the Son is sanctifying, cleansing, washing His church through the Word of God. Speaking the truth in love—that's how the church is built up. How is a home built up? Speaking the truth in love. A sanctifying love. You see, the husband's job is to make sure that the wife becomes more and more of a holy servant of God. And by the way, when he does this for her, he's doing this for himself. The more I seek to sanctify my wife, the more I sanctify myself because we are one.

A preacher friend of mine who’s now home in glory was invited to a rather important social engagement, but the invitation came to him only; the invitation did not include his wife. He refused to go. He said, my wife and I are one and this social engagement involves me, it should also involve her. So he would not go. I think he's got a point. When we are one in the Lord Jesus and one in marriage, we belong to each other and we need each other and we affect each other and we minister to each other. And our love, if it is not a sanctifying love, becomes lust. And marriage just becomes legalized lust. A sanctifying love. Make your wife young and beautiful.

What’s the problem in the church today? Well the church is defiled, it has spots, it is decayed, it has wrinkles, it has blemishes that come from I suppose disease. Here we have the church of Jesus Christ that is spotted and wrinkled and blemished and the world looks at it and says who wants to be a part of that? But the Lord Jesus Christ wants His church to be a beautiful, pure, clean, lovely bride and by His grace she will be that way one day. Today the Lord Jesus is sanctifying His church. Now the marriage relationship ought to be a sanctifying relationship. My love for my wife should be a separated love to her and to her alone. It should be a sacrificial love, a sanctifying love.

Finally, it should be a satisfying love. Ephesians 5:29, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. I am not only to sanctify my wife, I am to nourish her and cherish her. The word nourish means to feed. Feed her mind, feed her emotions. There are Christian wives who are starved for the attention that their husbands ought to give to them. Husbands, love your wives, nourish them and cherish them. The word cherish means keep them warm. That means security. In an atmosphere of security and warmth of love. When love gets cold, watch out. Jesus spoke to the Ephesian church in Revelation 2 and said you have left your first love. You’ve gotten cold. You don't have that honeymoon love you used to have. That can happen in a home, can’t it? A separated love, a sacrificial love, a sanctifying love, a satisfying love.

If the husband is fulfilling his responsibility in showing this kind of Christian love, a wife will not be ever interested in anybody else. And if the wife reciprocates with submission to the Lord and to her husband and love in response, the husband will not be interested in anybody else. I know Satan can tempt, I know there can be problems, but Paul is telling us here we husbands should love our wives as Christ does the church. And secondly, as our own bodies. That's an amazing thing. Ephesians 5:28, so husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. No one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. We are members of His body, of His flesh, of His bones.

Then he quotes from Genesis 2:24, for this reason—because the husband and wife belong to each other. Eve was made out of Adam. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. In other words, we are one in the Lord and we are one physically. That's an amazing thing. The longer a husband and wife live together, the more they read each other's minds and feelings. My wife and I have been driving down the highway, there's been silence for ten minutes and then we'll both say the same thing at the same time. We’ve been thinking about the same prayer burden or the same ministry problem or the same activity in the family. This is the way it goes, and God wants it this way.

Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7 that the wife's body belongs to the husband. The husband's body belongs to the wife. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his body, but the wife does. That's an amazing statement. And when we are submissive to one another in love, then there is that satisfying oneness. And when I minister to my wife, I minister to myself. By the way, the same thing is true in the church. He says in Ephesians 5:32, this is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. When I minister to you in the church, I minister to myself because you belong to me, I belong to you, we belong to each other, we need each other, we affect each other. And people come home from church and say well I didn't get anything out of it. What did you put into it? The Christian principle is you give, then you receive.

So when we minister to our wives we are ministering to ourselves. It’s the golden rule of marriage, isn't it? Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them. That's the golden rule. Now make it the golden rule of marriage. Whatever you want your wife to do to you, do to her. You want her to be more loving? You be more loving. You want her to talk more? You talk more. Whatever you want your husband to do, do to him. This is the golden rule of marriage. And we should love our wives as we love our own bodies. Now this says to me that when husbands get bitter and critical and unkind, they are only hurting themselves. That's why Paul wrote and said husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them, Colossians 3:19. You carry a grudge, you decide you're going to fight back, you're going to be cold—you're only hurting yourself. Whatever you do to your wife you are doing to yourself. So if you nourish your wife, you nourish yourself. If you warm your wife with love, you warm yourself. And this makes for a happy marriage.

Now the children come into the picture of course, and that will be our next study, Ephesians 6:1-4. Meanwhile, let’s remember that as husbands we have the glorious opportunity of loving our wives with a separated, sacrificial, satisfying, sanctifying love, even as Christ loved the church.